The heart of a woman
Hooray! Here I come! …I have just been born. I was given the body of a woman. I am so excited, which is why I am beating so fast. I have heard that the experience awaiting me will be full of emotions. I adore emotions! I am already filled with so many of them: wonder, sensitivity, intuition, vulnerability, and inwardness, just to name a few. How funny a body is. It’s like a dam between the outside world and me or perhaps it is more of a bridge…well, I guess I will just have to see.
Wow! What is this warmth and softness washing over me? I feel so good. I hear a voice, a woman, she is saying:
“You are so beautiful, you are so perfect, come to me, mommy loves you so much.” Ouch! What now? What’s happening? That was not a nice feeling. My body was hurt, I am scared. Maybe being born isn’t so great after all. Who is that person?
– Jonathan, this is your little sister Jennifer…Be careful with her, she is very fragile, you are her big brother, and you need to protect her.
– But she’s not even beautiful, I don’t like her.
Here we go, I am beating very fast once again but this time it is not pleasant. I would like to leave my body for a few minutes to avoid this cold that is freezing me.
Oh! Wait a minute…I’ll stay. My rhythm has slowed down. What is going on? I hear the voice of this woman again and now I feel her body as well. I feel reassured, calm, and content.
“You were hungry, my sweetheart. Don’t worry; you will never want for anything.” My pulse is slowing down even more. The body that surrounds me seems heavy.
– Hello my darling, did you have a good day?
– Yes, I was excited to come home and hold my daughter in my arms.
– But she is sleeping, wait a few minutes…
– No way! I have been waiting a long time to have a girl. I want to cherish every second with her. Come here my cutie pie. You are so pretty. Who do you look like? You have your mother’s eyes, your father’s nose, what a mix. It doesn’t matter, it is what is inside that counts. You will be intelligent, determined, you will accomplish amazing things, you will be our pride and joy.
I feel ill at ease. I was so comfortable before. I feel loved but I also feel a bit suffocated, pressured.
I am beating quickly again. I was so enthusiastic when I first arrived. What is this intelligence, these amazing things, the pride he is talking about? I don’t understand all these words, I feel a little smothered. I don’t feel like I am becoming someone; I am already someone, have they noticed?
– My mother is coming over tonight to see the baby, you don’t mind, do you?
– We had agreed that our families would only visit later this week…I am so tired. You have to understand, I am nursing and then there’s Jonathan…
– I would never deny my mother the joy of seeing her grand-daughter as often as she wants. When you chose to have another child so soon after the first one, you knew what you were getting into…
I am panicking. I think I am going to leave my body. I feel so vulnerable, at the mercy of a huge storm that is brewing. I am powerless, I am shrinking because I want to disappear, and there is no room for me here in this body. I have no right to be here.
It seems like since this morning, I have traveled a great distance. I feel exhausted. It is true that this experience will be full of emotions. Sometimes, I want to open up and at others, I want to close up into myself. It all depends…but what does it depend on? Everything is a sensation. The voice of this woman warms me up. I feel so much love. Love is warm and soft. My brother’s words worry me. They are harsh and draining. My mother’s breast makes me feel safe. My father’s words are troubling. I feel like they are playing yo-yo with me. If this is life, I guess I need to hold on. It is true that I am sensitive. Well, tomorrow is another day….See you next time!
